


Fears

by brightsparx



Series: Life must go on [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Canonical Rape/Non-con, F/M, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 19:36:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8591020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightsparx/pseuds/brightsparx
Summary: Fears are what protect you from hurt but can also stop you taking the risks that make life that little bit sweeter. Sometimes the jump is how you find the people who will always be your soft landing...Liv has found the man who is there for her and is getting closer to becoming the woman she wants to be.......not all progress is linear or immediately obvious but it is still progress.An epilogue of sorts to "Some memories don't dim" but I think it stands alone too...





	1. Fears

**Author's Note:**

> This is the final part of the "Life must go on" series and while it is an epilogue to the story begun way back in "I told her that this was necessary", "The necklace" and "Some memories don't dim", none of them are essential to have read as the events of both Lewis and Harris are Canon.....

It should be easy...I care for him...He is the most gentle man I have ever known...He has broken down all the barriers I thought would be with me for life...

No, he hasn't just broken down my barriers; he has smashed them to tiny pieces. Pieces that are too tiny to ever rebuild...and maybe that's a good thing?

But it's also terrifying.

I want him.

I can almost feel it; I've spent so much time imagining it, in private moments. All the pleasure I felt was consigned to my barely remembered past, is once more a possibility.

He can make me feel...like the woman I once was.

There was a time those words were enough to bring tears to my eyes. Like those words were unwelcome reminders of loss, of pain. A memorial, of sorts, to a woman lost to the ravages of time and horrors best forgotten, or at least hidden away.

Now those words, "like the woman I was", mean something new. They remind me how far I have come, how the woman I had buried and mourned, wasn't dead at all.

Now, when I feel like the woman I was, I feel victory, I feel strength, I feel hope. The despair it used to bring forth has been replaced by hope. If I can feel like the woman I once was in some ways; I can feel like her in more ways, with some effort.

I can allow Rafael to lie between my legs, I can allow his mouth to pleasure me in a way that was so unthinkable such a short time ago...this was harder for me to contemplate than taking his hardness into my mouth, but yet I have achieved both.

I can only laugh out loud, I have done so much more than achieved them, I really enjoy both activities. My bedroom is more alive than it maybe, ever was.

We enjoy each other. We laugh, we share so much pleasure, both of us delighting in the other's pleasure almost as much as our own.

He puts no pressure on me. Not once has he tried to progress things through that final barrier. Not once has he asked for intercourse. It still scares me...I can't let the images of the past go, they still haunt me too much...

But so do the images of Harris shoving his penis at my face...as long as I live, that image, those feelings, will never leave me. But yet I can look at Rafael, I can feel desire as I look at his hardness right in front of my face...I'm not sure how that happened? How did I get to that point? How did I break through that fear? How did I get into that position for the first time?

I wrack my brain trying to figure out how one barrier still remains intact, when all the others have been so easily smashed through.

The fear seems so much stronger at night, in darkness it seems all-powerful, but his gentle touch is enough to force the army of fear and doubt into retreat when I feel his arms wrap gently around my waist, and I have a flash of brilliance. The other fears weren't smashed through that "easily", it's just the second I have declared victory, the fear starts to dissipate, until I can't believe it was ever so great in the first place.

Every tiny step was so hard fought.

But the man whose arms are wrapped around me, stood with me, never pushing, content to allow me to feel my way along, always willing to help when I stumbled or asked for help.

The first time I took him into my mouth, I was scared but...I wanted to feel him, to taste him, I trusted him, maybe more importantly...I trusted myself...

_"Rafael...I want to have sex with you...but I'm still scared...I don't know how to break through this final barrier..."_

He turns me over so we can look each other in the eye as we have this discussion. There is no embarrassment between us. We can talk about anything.

We have worked so hard, researched and reached out, so that we can talk like this.

_"Liv, there is no pressure on you...we can enjoy each other so much already...tell me what scares you, when you are ready we can approach it any way that puts you at ease..."_

And just like that, I know how we have come so far, we've worked hard, we've had more than our fair share of tears and failures, but the goal has stayed steadfast. We want to be together, we want to enjoy each other physically...

_"I fantasize about how you will feel as you enter me, how my body will stretch around you, I want to feel it, I know you would never hurt me, and how pleasurable it would be...but I'm still scared...and I know I would be more scared, more stuck in the past, if you were to be lying over me, it would just be too close to...bad memories..."_

I try, but can't quite keep my tears at bay, but his fingers gently stroke them away, understanding them for what they are: progress.

_"...but I don't want to be on top of you either...somehow it would feel the same..."_

He nods softly, his features showing his intense concentration.

 _"So maybe we lie side by side..."_ he gestures to the position we have become so accustomed to talking in.

_"That way you don't feel like everything is on you...we can both control penetration..."_

He takes my hip and gently moves my upper leg onto his. He is dressed only in boxer shorts and I am in a pair of panties and a t-shirt, but there is no awkwardness as he gently rocks his hips against me, his hand gently cupping my butt, urging me to move my hips towards him.

I can't help the smile that spreads over my lips.

I nod softly, my hand stroking his cheek gratefully, my lips meeting his momentarily.

_"And when you feel ready, before we attempt this...we will have spent time pleasuring each other...you will want it...we will use extra lubricant, I don't want to hurt you...and we will go so slowly that your body will adjust gently...and we will enjoy every sensation, every tiny movement...and we can stop at any time..."_

Those gorgeous green eyes that can tell a whole story silently, are gazing deep into my soul, as they confirm his words.

My leg is still hooked over his, as he pulls me tight to his chest, his arms wrapping around me.

_"But that will all happen when you are ready Liv..."_

That's how we have overcome so many hurdles, with tears and fears dispelled by soft words and courage, and the knowledge that we know the steps we will take, so we can open ourselves up to the experience when it presents itself.

As I lie in his arms, I realize that I felt this fear, this doubt, at every escalation of our relationship, but as I feel my body react to his, I can't help but feel it won't be very long before this, too, seems like an unfathomably, indistinct, fear, when I let it go and trust myself.

I suppose the fear hasn't gone anywhere though, it needs to be there, it has good reason to be there...but it has maybe, become too big. It has lost its true use; it has gone from protecting me, to paralyzing me.

I couldn't see that before now...I have wasted some of the life I was so lucky to escape with, on being afraid to live.

_"Rafael...I've been so afraid to just live...I've allowed the fears to build up...to where they weren't just protecting me, they were caging me."_

I see him swallow deeply, tears pricking at his eyes.

 _"You are so unbelievable Liv..."_ he whispers.

_"It has been so hard...it still is, just so hard...I know I should leave it behind me. I know that I was so lucky to get this chance, a chance that not all women in my position get. Lewis could have killed me..."_

I hate that the tears leak out, despite me fighting them.

_"But he didn't...I can't pretend the damage he did, didn't happen...I can't undo it...the marks he has left, not just the visible ones...they're real...they hurt...I hurt...but I won't let HIM, THEM, win...I'm so lucky...I have so many people willing to help me, I have you..."_

There was no question in my statement, no doubt, but he nods with a smile, his hand resting softly on my heart, clasping my hand tightly.

_"Lewis is dead. Harris is dead. The men who hurt me are gone. There are so many people who don't have that luxury. Too many men and women have to try to live with their monsters, to work with them, to see them at family events, to share their children's lives with them..."_

_"Please Liv, don't compare yourself to anyone...your pain is no less..."_

I kiss him gently, cutting off his words.

_"I know...it's hard not to, but I'm not...I guess I'm just realizing how lucky I am...it sounds strange to say...but if I had to face HIM, even just sometimes...how could I move forward? How could I ever feel safe?...Thank you, for being here, for supporting me...for being so patient with me..."_

_"You don't have to thank me Liv...ever...I love you...I should be thanking you, for taking such a huge step in trusting me..."_

I know my face falls slightly at his words. I can see his worry. I take a deep breath and try not to cry. I hate the tears.

_"I still have nightmares...sometimes..."_

He nods softly, confirming that my attempts to hide them have been unsuccessful.

_"There are still bad days...there probably always will be..."_

He nods, _"You are so incredibly strong Liv..."_

 _"And you help so much Rafael...I don't feel weak when I need your help..."_ Our bodies are still intertwined, and I allow my hand to run down his back, trying to pull him even closer.

_"It's time to get up off the mat...I don't want life to pass me by...I want to enjoy all it has to offer...I want to enjoy Noah's childhood...I want to enjoy spending time with you...I want to enjoy you..."_

I bite my lip slightly, my teeth scraping across it as I fight down the fear that bubbles up.

I lean in and kiss his lips softly, wrapping my arms around him, until the need to breathe forces us to break apart, and my head moves to lay gently on top of his, allowing our hug to be even tighter, our bodies even closer...

 _"Te quiero también Rafael..."_ I whisper into his ear, and for a second I think that maybe fear made my words too soft to be audible, and I wonder if I can push the words out again, ...when I feel him nuzzle into my neck, when I feel his tears slowly slip onto my skin I know he has heard me, and he has understood me. He has understood how deep my feelings are for him, and how hard those words were for me to whisper.

In that moment, I realize how much my life is now in my hands, how it finally feels like I have found some of the control I've struggled for...who knew it would come by laying myself open, by making myself vulnerable?

The fear is not gone but I'm emboldened by all the realizations as I lean back.

My hands cup his face, softly wiping away his tears, looking him in the eye, _"The words terrify me, a lifetime of fears is fluttering away in my stomach, a part of me is telling me to run, to protect myself...not to ever give anyone that much ability to hurt me...but as much as I try to deny it, I do..."_

I shrug my shoulders, taking my lip between my teeth again...

_"I probably won't ever say it enough, I probably won't ever say it as often as I should, because I do mean it...Rafael Barba, I...love you..._


	2. Courage

It's more than I could ever have hoped for...

The woman I have admired and respected, from the moment I met her, the woman I have lusted after, and loved from a distance, for a lot longer than I care to admit to...has told me she loves me.

I barely slept all night...too excited by her words to be able to relax into slumber. Repeatedly sneaking a look at her curled into my side, constantly afraid I would awaken to find it had all been some wonderful dream.

But every checking glance returns the same result...she is still curled into me, and I can hear her words echo in the silence, _"I do mean it...Rafael Barba,...I...love you..."._

I should be ashamed at my unmanly tears, when she whispered the words I so wanted to hear, but somehow with her, there is no weakness in them.

Maybe as a 45-year-old man, I am finally reaching true adulthood.

I want to buy her something... But as with nearly every element of our relationship, we have skipped all the 'normal' steps, or reversed their order entirely.

I have never bought her a gift...well, other than the necklace to celebrate Noah's adoption, and I have no idea what I could buy her?

She is not a woman who adorns herself in jewelry; she doesn't value 'things'...

With a slight chuckle I realize that I may be lucky enough to be faced with this difficulty for all special events to come, the conundrum of 'what can I buy Liv?'

In previous relationships, these difficulties were easily solved by an expensive piece of precious metal, a designer labeled purse, a coveted, over priced, scrap of clothing or underwear, or ludicrously high, uncomfortable shoes, but none of these 'things' mean anything to Liv. And anything of this sort she does own, she seems to prefer to have bought herself...

I simultaneously dread, and relish the challenge of having to apply thought rather than dollars to gifts.

It has to be something that she has a use for...

I want it to scream _'I Love You'_ , as a way to celebrate, to commemorate this...but I know how uneasily the words sit with her. I know how much it means that she whispered them to me... How she whispered them in both of our first languages... How terrifying the admissions were for her...and how much more they mean to me for that very reason...

I discount the centuries-old gesture of flowers...

She isn't interested in some piece of tech, carefully engraved with a message that will most likely be disguised by a protective cover.

Actually, a gesture such as taking her and Noah to feed the ducks in central park would most likely mean more to her than any gift...

I immediately resolve to do exactly that, but I want something that will outlast a couple of hours...

She feels weakened, by her very understandable, fears. She has made such incredible leaps forward; she has made so much more progress than she can ever understand. She is so hard on herself that she can't see how what she deems her weaknesses, are in fact her greatest strengths. She can't seem to understand that her courage is so deeply rooted in the fact that she has had so much hardship to overcome. She can't see that she was never fearless, that what she called fearlessness was in fact immense courage...She believes that she has lost that quality, when in fact it is conquering her fears that has made her, the seemingly fearless woman she is.

As I delight in the feel of her against me, the beginnings of an idea come to me...an inscription...

I know what I want to inscribe, all I need now, is to figure out what to put the words on?

She wears her necklace everyday...it doesn't even come off when she showers or bathes...I can't stop the grin that turns up my lips, as images of bathing or showering with her, flutter across my mind.

I am so lucky...

But other than that one piece of jewelry, there is nothing that is omnipresent...well her badge, her gun, her phone and her keys...

She even, quite often, eschews her wallet for a clear plastic card sleeve with a debit card and some cash.

Her badge, her gun and her phone are symbols of her job, and have no real personal meaning...

The thought stops me dead, as I realize how wrong that statement is...

Her gun...Her badge...

As so often happens, a flash of insight strikes me, and I'm humbled once more by a brief glimpse into how truly incredible she is...two of the very few things that she is rarely without, are her gun and badge, and both of them have such horrific memories tied to them. But she doesn't dwell on their horror; she prefers instead to concentrate on their alternate meaning, the ability they give her to help people...

And she only carries her keys because they are essential, functional, items.

But part of that bunch is her house key...the key to the home she shares with Noah, and the life she is starting to share with me...

I know that eventually we will need to talk about living together officially, about choosing one of our homes or letting them both go, in favor of a home that would be ours...but for the moment, there is no rush...we are both blissfully happy.

Maybe that should be reflected on the only item she carries all the time?

Now I have an idea...it is a small, inexpensive gift but I believe it would have meaning to her, much deeper than its cost or size.

I will need to co-opt Noah's help...and it may take a few days but I believe I have found a memento she will cherish...

Despite it already being bright outside, I drift into a happy sleep, pulling my arms tighter around her.

When I awake, merely two hours later, I am completely rested and satisfied, despite very little sleep and spend a delightful day with Liv and Noah, including a trip to feed the ducks, which seems to be a huge hit with mother and son alike.

When we return from the park, I pull out some crayons and paper and lay on the living room floor with Noah, coaxing him gently, to draw me a picture. Liv is entirely unaware of my ulterior motives, and laughs happily, as I struggle to get up from the floor, after too long crouched there.

She doesn't notice when I carefully place the requested drawing from Noah, in my briefcase.

She is none the wiser when I slip out of the office between meetings the following day.

The three-day wait is almost interminable, but when I finally pick up the little cardboard box, I can't resist a quick glance to ensure my little token, is as it should be...

This is the piece of the puzzle I hadn't really put much forethought into...and I'm annoyed at myself that I'm so late getting home. She is already in bed, but luckily not asleep...

I'm a man who plans every little step carefully, and am uncomfortable when I have no plan, but as always, I trust her to step outside my regular boundaries with. I strip down to my boxers and slide into her bed beside her.

She pulls away slightly, complaining about my cold feet, before she curls into me with a promise to warm me up...

I kiss her lightly, chuckling, reminding her how even her presence is enough to warm me up...

She asks about my day, about the case I'm currently readying for trial, it's a case she is also working, and as always, she challenges me, forcing me to go that step further, to be a better advocate for the woman who courageously set so much of her life, past and present, on display for me to try and get her some justice for the pain her colleague inflicted upon her.

We discuss strategies and she reminds me that in a really unusual turn, we have a witness...he didn't see everything, I try to remind her, but she urges me to talk to him, to listen to him, he saw enough...there was no question in his mind, even in the first second, what was happening... I had, of course, read the witness' statement but after her urging, I make a mental note to speak to him tomorrow...

Unable to see the parallels, she tells me how brave and eloquent the victim was, despite the obvious pain, both physical and emotional, that she was in...even in the most immediate aftermath.

I decide to take the opportunity now, to try to make **her** courage clear to her.

_"Liv...how can you see how brave this woman is, but yet you can't see how incredibly courageous you have been, how courageous you are?"_

She tries to shrug off my question.

_"Liv, please?"_

She looks me in the eye, as she understands I'm serious...

_"I guess it just doesn't feel like it's the same..."_

Now it's my turn to be slightly surprised.

_"Cariño, how can you not...?"_

Her eyes drop, and I allow my hand to stroke her cheek gently. Slowly she meets my eyes again...

_"Liv, I'm so lucky, to be here with you, to have you in my life...I know how much it meant for you to say the words you did...They meant more to me than I can explain...but your actions had also told me the same before that, so don't worry if the words aren't said often...I guess, I was slightly lost for words myself...and that's not a state I'm accustomed to..."_

The heartfelt laugh that greets my confession lights up the whole room.

_"I wanted to do something special, to buy you something...that would always be a reminder of how much I love you...Has anyone ever told you how difficult you are to buy for?"_

Another laugh and a sheepish nod...

_"Only every person who has ever tried to buy me a gift...but Rafael, there is no need to buy me anything...I have more than I could ever have wished for..."_

I try to be stern as I answer, _"Well, I may remind you of that, many Christmases and Birthdays in the future when I have no earthly idea what to buy you..."_

We both laugh giddily at the promise of many shared years in our future.

_"But this time...I may have come up with something..."_

I reach into the jacket I left in easy reach...

 _"It's nothing big, I did toy with the idea of a ring..."_ I don't even get the rest of my sentence out before she pales.

_"Calm down...I knew better than a ring of any description..."_

Despite my assurances, she is still nervous, and I worry that once again I've said the wrong thing...

I try to salvage the moment by handing her the cheap white cardboard box, with a plastic-y bow perched on the top...

She tentatively opens the box, trying to conceal her relief when she sees a key ring inside.

I take it from her, drawing her attention to Noah's drawing of her, printed on its face and the word 'Mama' written carefully by my own hand.

 _"I asked them to make it a bit like a locket, so I could hide something inside...it's actually 2 key rings together almost..."_ I explain as I slide them apart as I was shown how to do.

**"Liv, Courage doesn't mean being fearless. Te quiero para siempre, Rafael"**

She stares at my words in silence.

_"You can't see how amazing you are, but that's ok because I'm going to be here to remind you...You say you are still afraid, but what you don't understand is how much you are not afraid of, how much you have had the courage to overcome, and how you have never stopped moving forward...You see weakness in your fears, I see incredible strength...I understand how much it takes to share them, and I'm honored to be trusted..."_

She takes a deep breath.

_"I wish I could see myself as you do...I hate being afraid...it's stopping me..."_

I kiss her gently, my lips barely grazing hers, as one hand wraps around her waist and the other rests on her cheek, my thumb rubbing lightly.

Our foreheads come to rest against each other, just enjoying being close to each other.

 _"It's beautiful Rafael, and it means a lot..."_ she whispers, _"...with you, nothing feels so impossible..."_

She leans in again, but this kiss is less gentle, more urgent, and her hands move...stroking my skin, stoking my desire for her, that is never too far from the surface.

I gladly follow her lead, my hands snaking up her torso, shoving her t-shirt before them. I quickly pull it off her, my lips and tongue greedily licking, nipping, at her breasts. My hand reaches down between her legs, as she pulls her body away from mine, and her hand lazily trails down my chest. I tease a finger over her underwear, much as she is doing to me, but I am first to fold, as I can't resist her, my finger searching out her clitoris, and rubbing her, still over her panties. She pulls my head up and crashes her lips back on mine as her hand snakes inside my boxers.

We are no longer teasing...we are intent on pleasuring each other. I don't hold back but I still take my lead from her, and she impatiently lets me go as she pulls her panties down, kicking them away, as she reaches for my boxers. They follow her panties somewhere under the bedclothes as we both pick up where we left off.

I know how she likes to be touched and now, free from the obstacle of her underwear, I suck and lightly bite her sensitive nipples, slowly working my way down her body. I hear the gasp I have come to love, as my tongue replaces my finger on her swollen clitoris.

Despite missing her touch on my throbbing erection, I'm glad of the respite...for fear I'd climax like a horny teenager, from a couple of touches.

I love to hear her moans, as I pleasure her, and will never tire of hearing her moan my name when my finger tracing around her becomes too much and she wants that finger inside her. My ego soars as my movement cuts my name on her tongue to _"Raf",_ something I only ever hear in the bedroom...

I grin happily as I feel her body tense, never letting up until her internal muscles stop pulsing and her body relaxes.

After a few minutes of just lying together she turns to me, her hand wrapping around my penis again. The bed covers are long thrown aside, as she reaches for the lubricant, and uses it to slide her hand up and down me. Just as I have come to know how she enjoys being touched, she knows how to drive me crazy...but her movements now, are more leisurely, more like those designed to turn me on...

Every touch feels good so I have no complaint, as she slowly works her hand up and down my length, her mouth licking, across my chest.

She reaches up and kisses me again, her teeth pulling at my bottom lip, before her tongue begins to explore my mouth again.

We are both lying on our sides, and her hands are stroking, caressing, my body, until every part of me is included in the pleasure that started in my groin.

For a second I nearly miss the whispered _"I'm ready...Rafael, I want you..."._

It's only as her words register in my hazy brain, that I realize her leg is lying up on my hip, and we are gently rocking against each other. This is nothing new for us, but as I look into her eyes I see her desire...and her decision...

I try to put aside my own desire to evaluate whether this is a good idea, but I can see that look of determination shining back at me.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared...

I want to ask a million questions, to ask what is different now?, is she sure?, to tell her that there is no rush, no pressure, but I remember my promise to follow her lead, to trust her...

I reach for the lubricant, making sure not to miss any of my hardness, then reaching for her,... there is no denying her desire, she is already very wet but the last thing I want to do is hurt her...

_"Liv, I love you, and we can stop anytime..."_

She nods softly, a little of her nerves showing.

I look her in the eye, as I lightly grasp her hips.

None of our desire has disappeared, despite the flutter of nerves, as she takes my shaft in her hand, guiding me towards her.

 _"I want this Rafael, I want to feel you..."_ she whispers as the very tip of my penis barely slips into her. She takes her hand away and moves her hips slightly, but instead of her intended result, my hardness is pushed away...

She groans in frustration, and I can feel her tense, I can almost feel her thoughts _..."Liv...it's ok...take your time...there's nothing wrong..."_

She takes a deep breath, and nods softly _..."Help me?"_

 _"Always cariño..."_ I answer immediately. This time I take my penis in hand, stopping just at her entrance.

 _"Slowly cariño..."_ I urge, as she slides the tip inside her. This time I can feel her...it feels amazing...and I have to fight to stay still...I continue to hold myself until she moves a little more and I can feel her body stretching around me.

Her mouth opens slightly, and I'm watching carefully for any sign that I'm hurting her...

She moves again, and for a second, my eyes close...when they open again, she is still open mouthed, but her breathing is a little faster. I reach for her clitoris, almost ashamed I didn't think of it before...

I'm about halfway inside her as she mutters _"Oh god...",_ she has taken the words right out of my mouth...did sex always feel this amazing?

She starts to rock slightly on me, and for a second I worry that this is all going to be over way too soon...she grasps my butt trying to get me to move, and I try to replicate her movements but more of my length slips into her. I stop for a second until she urges me to move again...

I continue to rock gently against her, careful not to hurt her, but all too soon, I'm nearly completely inside her and there is little I can do to prolong things anymore...I gently pull out of her, _"It's too much..."_ I whisper as her hand wraps around my length, and I climax. My fingers never stop playing her clitoris, and not long after my own orgasm, I feel her body tense again.

As she lies panting beside me, she pushes my fingers away, too sensitive to allow my touch any longer...

_"That felt so good...it was nothing like...there were no reminders...it was you...it felt pleasurable..."_

There are tears in her eyes...

_"I didn't hurt you did I? I'm sorry, you felt amazing...I couldn't..."_

_"Please don't apologize...you didn't hurt me, not at all...I was worried, but it felt pleasurable...slow, pleasurable, torture..."_

Her words surprise me, but when I look at her she is grinning through her tears...

I try to smile back at her _..."What's wrong Rafael?"_

For a second I try to pretend, but then I decide to come clean, _"I wanted you to climax..."_

She tries not to laugh as she kisses me softly, _"Rafael, this isn't some trashy soft porn story...where the earth shakes, and they both climax together seeing stars...it felt good, really good...and I've had two orgasms...trust me when I tell you, that's good sex!"_

As always her honesty is both refreshing and disarming...and I can't help the cocky grin that finds its way to my face...

She rolls her eyes at me, still fighting back tears.

 _"I suppose we have plenty of time to practice until we get the trashy soft porn ending?"_ I whisper.

She shakes her head laughing and kisses me gently, the tears slowly starting to flow " _You'll be the death of me!"_

 _"Liv, tell me what you're thinking?"_ I ask, holding her to me.

 _"Well for a start I think we both need a shower, and new sheets..."_ she says gesturing to the ruined sheets, still struggling with her tears. _"Do you mind changing the sheets while I run a bath, I need a minute..."_

I try to just nod but can't stop myself, _"What's wrong Liv? Did I hurt you?"_

She shakes her head _"I'm going to feel this tomorrow, but in an 'I had good sex after too long' way...I don't really know how I feel or why I'm crying, I need a minute...I'm not shutting you out, I just need a minute to figure it out..."_

This, I have no problem accepting and agreeing to _..."Ok...I'm here..."_

She sniffles and nods, disappearing into the bathroom, closing the door behind her, then coming back to leave it open a smidge, as if to reinforce her words...

I change the sheets quickly, wishing I had made our first time, her first time since...more special...

I anticipated a long wait but she has only been in the bath a few minutes when she calls me, softly asking will I join her and wash her back.

All of our time together had left us very comfortable being naked with each other, so I have no clothes to discard before stepping into the bath behind her.

I trail soft kisses across her shoulders, squeezing water from the sponge down her back. For a few minutes I just enjoy bathing her...biting my tongue, allowing her the time she needs...

_"I'm sorry Rafael...it feels like I'm always crying..."_

I just shake my head, kissing her softly; still not wanting to push her...knowing how huge tonight was for her, for both of us...

I'm insanely grateful at this moment, for all that I have learned from the support group I went to in desperation...those men have become a sanctuary, a place that gives me an outlet for my fears and worries, a touchstone for how to best support the woman I love. **This** is something we have discussed many times, in huddles of two or three after a meeting, and as a group. I'm worried I did something wrong, that I hurt her, that I reminded her...but I've learned to not jump to my worst case scenarios...so I stay silent...

_"Tonight...was perfect...it wasn't planned, and I wish maybe I'd worn sexy underwear, or made it more special...but...it just felt right...and there was no pressure...I wanted you...there wasn't any doubt, a little fear maybe, but no doubt...I nearly lost it when it felt like my body was rejecting you, but you were right, it was just nerves...and it did feel good...it was pleasurable...there was no pain, no reminders...I'm definitely going to feel it tomorrow, but it's also going to make me smile when I feel the soreness...this was such a, victory...but yet I'm crying!?..."_

I wipe away the tears that fall down her cheeks, as she curls into me.

_"I suppose it is a really emotional victory Liv...it's something that has been a goal for so long...even before we got together...you told me once, that you couldn't feel like you owned your own body again until you could choose to share it?..."_

She nods thoughtfully at me.

_"That's a hugely emotional thing to have achieved..."_

I swallow deeply, understanding then, why it's also emotional...

_"It's a huge victory...but it's not all magically fixed..."_

She nods again, the tears speeding up.

_"It felt like when I could have sex with you, when I owned my own body, it would be over...like it was the end to the story...I do want to have sex with you again, I want to become more comfortable, so we don't have to be so...careful...so slow...so...cautious...but even though I want to feel you inside me again, I can't imagine doing it in any other position...or being able to take you inside me quicker...it's just not the ending I wanted..."_

_"Cariño, I can imagine the disappointment, it feels like you have worked towards this for so long, and now you find it's not the finish line...but it's a huge achievement...you are amazing...you will never stop moving forward...and there is no pressure on you...I don't care if you never want to try another position, or if you only like sex torturously slow, because I love you...Liv, I've been scared too, of hurting you...of not being able to show you pleasure...of only reminding you, ...of doing something wrong...you weren't the only one who was nervous...every time we have progressed our physical relationship, you have been the one who has had the courage, I've been the one who has second guessed...every progression has been a little tentative, but we have built on it...I am in awe of how brave you are...you need to understand how big what you have achieved is..."_

_" **He** told me, more than once, that no one would want me again...that I'd never be able to be intimate without thinking about **him**...but I can, **he** was wrong..."_

She looks at me with tears dripping down her face, but steel in her eyes _..."I told Kayla, when we brought her and Buddy home,...that people who have gone through unfair, horrific, experiences have this 'will',... and when they get support, a chance, they can not only survive, they can thrive...I guess I never realized that was me too...and I have your support...and I can thrive again...it's terrifying and liberating all at once, and I think that I only now, really, believe I can do it..."_


	3. Love

After the emotion of the night's events, I didn't expect to sleep...I didn't expect to really be able to relax as I lay in the arms of the man I had finally broken through what was supposed to be the last great barrier with...

I didn't lie to him, I did find pleasure in the act that had terrified me for so long...but I didn't feel the immense victory I had anticipated...

The huge weight that feels like it has been crushing me for so long, didn't magically disappear when I reclaimed my body...

The victory, in reality, although undeniably a step forward, felt so hollow that it even further eroded my already fragile hope that life will ever truly return to some new and changed, but still recognizable 'normal'.

There was no doubt whatsoever, in my mind, as I slipped into the fresh sheets, that the man, whose arms wrapped around me loves me...

But the unexpected crash that followed such a huge step forward meant I knew I wouldn't sleep...

So when I awaken to the first streaks of daylight stealing in through the side of the curtains, I'm shocked...

As my still sleepy mind rouses itself further, I feel the warm arms still cocooning me...the warm body still lying against mine...

In the first stirrings of consciousness it's strange the things that your mind wanders to, for me it's not the rather momentous events of last night, but a show I saw on Broadway years ago, and a song that felt like it told my story in so many ways.

I try to rub away the random thoughts that erroneously call forward this memory, it has nothing to do with my life now...but it won't go away.

The song refuses to be banished from my mind.

A quick look at the clock confirms how early it is, so I try to puzzle through my feelings from last night a bit more, but every thought has acquired it's own mental soundtrack, even though the thoughts and music seem to be at odds...

**_"Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know_ **

**_Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow_ **

**_I won't recall the names and places of this sad occasion_ **

**_But that's no consolation-here and now_ **

**_So what happens now"_ **

Why would this be the track my mind would choose now?

This was a step forward not a sad occasion...

I know he is going nowhere...last night wasn't what we might have planned it to be, but it was...good?...nice?

The words just don't seem to sit right; they seem mawkish, soporific even...

I teased Rafael for expecting a soft-porn ending, but did I really expect anything different?

Now, more awake, I can feel the physical reminders of last night, that vague soreness...and as promised it does bring a small smile to my face...

**I had sex...**

**I enjoyed sex...**

Some of the victory that eluded me last night finds its mark as those words echo in my head... **I had sex with Rafael**...

It wasn't movie perfect. It was natural, and pleasant, and felt good. There were no reminders, no flashbacks...because there were no comparisons...

All the fears that my body would somehow have forgotten **how**...were unfounded...

So how does it not feel like a victory?

I feel Rafael stir slightly, against me.

 _"Morning Liv...did you sleep at all?"_ he whispers, his voice still shrouded in sleep.

I nod, pulling his arms tighter around me.

He moves cautiously. Despite only being half awake, he is wary that his body may scare me...

 _"I didn't think I'd sleep, but I only just woke up..."_ I try to assure him as I lean back, wanting to show him that his body's natural reaction is not a concern.

He nuzzles into my neck, no longer trying to pull his hips back.

He says nothing, not pressuring me with a slew of questions, allowing me, instead, to continue my mental inventory, and share what I want to, with him.

He would never hurt me. He would never pressure me...

Why is this song stuck in my head? He waited so long, so patiently, for me...so I would be ready.

I was ready...

He was nervous too. He even admitted he was.

But it was good...okay, maybe it wasn't the best sex either of us has ever had, but it was pleasurable, and it was our first time together...my first time since...

And it meant more than anything else, because we worked so hard to make it possible...together.

The emotions flying around weren't negative...I felt so unbelievably close to him...I felt such trust in him, and I could feel his trust in me...

He was so thoughtful, so gentle, so slow...if I had scripted how I wanted the man I first had sex with after...well, I couldn't have asked for more...

He wraps his arms tightly around my waist.

 _"Talk to me Liv? Tell me what you are thinking?"_ he whispers softly.

I turn over, facing him, as his arms wind back around me.

_"I don't really know...I can't quite figure it out..."_

I look to him, almost expecting one of his trademark eye rolls at my dithering answer, but he just nods understandingly.

_"Maybe it's something you just need some time..."_

_"It was a big thing...Rafael, we had sex..."_

This time I do get my eye roll.

 _"Trust me Liv, I haven't forgotten!"_ he says grinning.

The cocky grin is wiped from his face as his forehead crinkles in thought, _"I am trying, but I just can't really imagine how emotional this must feel for you, I've tried to research this, but it's hard to find material on...is it okay to say that I've spoken about it with the guys in group a little?"_

I can't believe his words, they completely floor me, and tears spring forward as I consider how lucky I am with the man who lies beside me...his face shows his worry as he sees my tears...

_"The tears are because it means so much Rafael...that you care so much, that you think of how I'm feeling...I know that you worry when talking about me at group, I know I don't ask very many questions, but I want you to feel free to talk there, without worrying if I would be angry you are sharing my secrets... I wish I had the strength to share them myself, there should be no secrets on this subject, secrets are just my shame and my guilt... I want you to be able to speak with the guys in group without worrying about having to explain anything to me...but I would love to hear anything you are willing to share with me?"_

_"We talk quite a bit about things we've found that helped us, or helped our partners...and I hope you don't mind but I shared the 12 Things?"_

**(A/N '12 things nobody told me about sex after rape' by CJ Hale)**

I stroke his face gently, as I shake my head...remembering how much that helped me, hoping that maybe it can help some other men and women as much...

_"No of course not...you found that for me Rafael, and it made such a difference...it felt like almost the only thing I read that was really about me...I could pick the bits that applied to me most at the time...I'm really glad it helped you too"_

_"It did... This is something I've worried about for so long...I was so scared of hurting you, of doing something that reminded you...I couldn't bear the thought of causing you anymore pain...so many of the guys felt similarly...and we shared some of the ideas we've found have helped when things don't go as planned..."_

I'm slightly shocked at how much the partner's support group has meant to him, how much it has helped him...and I'm so grateful it is there and he had the bravery to go...

_"...the biggest thing I think I've learned is that we are so worried, that we have so many fears of our own...the 12 things gave me some sort of framework, some suggestions of how to deal with things, how not to react..."_

I want to tell him how amazing he his, how proud he should be...but I know him, he is trying to work up to saying something that is hard for him, so I try to give him the space he gave me last night...

_"...last night as we fell asleep, my mind kept bringing up one word I'm sure the 12 things mentioned,... "overwhelmed"...I'm sure it said that the first time you successfully have sex and enjoy it, you will feel joy, victory... and overwhelmed ...it stuck with me because I tried to understand it, at one of the meetings I spoke to a couple of the guys who connected with the 12 things as we did...we talked about some of the things our partners have said, and we kindda felt that maybe our own feelings could be used as some sort of measure, a barometer almost, of how you may feel..."_

I can see how tentative he is now, as if he is afraid that I will be upset that he thinks his feelings are the same as mine. But what I understand from his words is, in fact, that he can see parallels between his fears of our first attempt at sex, and mine...how he is trying to help me interpret the jumbled mess of my feelings by sharing some of his own...and I'm touched...

I can't find my voice as I place my hand softly, on his heart, and just nod for him to continue...

_"I don't even pretend to know everything you are feeling, and none of my feelings even come close to the intensity of yours, you were the one who went through all of it..."_

I place a finger on his lips, stopping his explanations...

 _"It's ok..."_ I whisper and the tears can be heard in my voice.

He nods gently...and takes a deep breath _..."Overwhelmed is a good word...there was just a flood of emotion that I didn't really anticipate...that you trusted me...that you maybe, found some pleasure in an act that previously caused you such pain...I know you said there were no reminders, during...and I can only hope that what we did was so different from what was done to you, that it really was the truth...but every thought like that is a reminder...of what was taken from you...and it means that sadness is competing with the sense of victory..."_

I can only nod as I swallow the gasps that accompany his insight, which I hadn't even managed to identify yet...

_"That's it...it's so bittersweet..."_

I don't even try to hide my tears, knowing that he is probably fighting back his own...

_"I couldn't understand why I didn't feel as happy as I should...but it's like having sex with you...just made it all crystal clear...I wanted you, you were so thoughtful, so gentle, and I enjoyed it...my body wasn't broken...the fear isn't completely gone, but it's so much less...but he took that from me...and now I really know what he took from me..."_

The tears that flow, now feel cathartic...this is the emotion I was struggling to identify...

And the words of the song that had so baffled me now seem less random...

**_"Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know_ **

**_Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow_ **

**_I won't recall the names and places of this sad occasion_ **

**_But that's no consolation-here and now_ **

**_So what happens now"_ **

It really is an ending of sorts, maybe not the final destination I had anticipated, but I really am fine, not perfect, but fine...and although the names and places that started me on ...this unwelcome journey... are written into my story in permanent ink...the memories are fading...they'll never leave me, but they don't loom so large...

This song reminds me of where I once was, when it felt like any type of recovery was so far out of reach, when the memories, the wounds, were fresh and raw...it is my marker of how far I really have come...

This understanding finally unlocks the joy that had been so hard to find last night...

_"I'm really not broken...I really can have sex...I really can enjoy sex..."_

He sees the smile spread across my face, the true elation glimmering in my eyes and as a warm smile brightens his features, the tears start to roll down his cheeks...

_"I've broken that last real hold **he** had on me...it took so much longer that I hoped...and I couldn't have done it without you...I know it hasn't erased what happened, I'll probably still have the occasional nightmare, still have a bad day...but I own my body..."_

Now I sob openly into his chest as the flood of emotion he described, sweeps me away.

As always he is my rock, holding me tight, lightly stroking my hair...

The alarm sounds behind me and he just reaches for it, silencing it and pulling me tighter to him, murmuring softly to me as I cry, for what happened, for what I lost, for who I was...and for how happy I am now...

It feels like I only stop crying when the tears run out.

The whole time he has held me tight to him.

A little voice calling from behind the safety bars of his big boy bed, that he thankfully hasn't had the nerve to crawl over since his first attempt resulted in a big bruise on his forehead, is the first disturbance to really register with us...

 _"Let me get him..."_ Rafael says, pulling on some sweatpants and a shirt.

I can hear him talking to Noah as he walks into his room...

_"Good morning Noah! Did you sleep well in your big boy bed? Are you hungry? How would you like some pancakes?"_

I can imagine the smile the offer of pancakes earns him, as I hear two sets of soft footsteps patter past my bedroom door...

 _"Mamma?"_ I hear Noah question...

_"Yes Noah, Mamma is still in bed, will we make pancakes before we wake her?"_

I hear little feet running to the kitchen to comply with this idea...

Once more I'm touched by the thoughtfulness of this man, as I take the moment he has offered me to compose myself.

I lie in bed listening to Rafael and Noah trying to be quiet, aware that we will both be late for work, and aware that neither of us care...that is such a change from the man I first met when he started to work with us, but then again I have probably changed as much as him...

I'm still lying in bed, now delighting in the slight tenderness that proves last night was no dream, when the door comes swinging open, and Noah is calling for me to wake up for breakfast...

I realize it's probably too late now, to remember I'm still naked; I try to pull the sheet around me as I sit up.

Noah launches himself up onto the bed, and helps himself to some of the pancakes Rafael, thankfully, had the foresight to cut up...

We sit on my bed, all three of us, eating pancakes, on a work day, like we have nowhere to be, and I can't believe how happy and content I am...

When the door goes, I recognize just how late we are, with a quick glance at the clock that tells me it's Lucy...I should be leaving now, for work, not sitting in bed...

Rafael scoops Noah up, and lets Lucy in, apologizing that Noah isn't even dressed...

 _"That's no problem at all, come on Noah lets get you dressed...did you have pancakes for breakfast?"_ she asks.

A moment later Rafael slips back into my room.

_"Are you ok Liv? I'm sure we could both take a couple of hours?"_

I shake my head softly, _"I'm okay...honestly!"_

He looks at me intently as if he can read my thoughts if he focuses hard enough...

_"Really Rafael, I'm okay...I think I need a little time to let things settle, as you suggested, but I'm okay...I'm more than okay..."_

I let the sheet fall from my body as I stand up, feeling a deep confidence I thought I had lost a long time ago...the skin that once disgusted me, is part of me...and this body is mine...

 _"I'll take a shower, you shave..."_ I say, rubbing the bristly shadow on his chin.

Not long later he has also showered, we are both dressed, my makeup is done, my hair dried and straightened.

Noah is happily playing with his toys on the living room floor with Lucy, as I go out to kiss him goodbye for now. He jumps up and gives Rafael a big hug too, as has become his routine as we leave for work.

When we reach the car Rafael turns to me, _"Liv, I know how much last night meant...and if you want to talk...call me...I'm only in court for an arraignment at 3pm...and if you want to talk to anyone else, Fin, Amanda...please do?...I don't want you worrying when you talk about the important things either...they are your family, and they love you..."_

I know that he is giving me permission to talk about him in any way I want to, if it will help me, much as I had done this morning when we spoke about his group. He knows my squad is my group, my family...I never had a family, not really...there was only ever my mom, and me and things were always difficult...but now I have my squad, my work family, and my son and this man who loves me enough to allow me to dissect this intimately personal experience with anyone if it helps me...I feel so lucky, and so loved. This is what love feels like...

 

**A/N I borrow a few lyrics from _"Another Suitcase in Another Hall"_ from _Evita,_ it wouldn't leave my mind as I wrote this chapter, and couldn't find anything else that expressed the emotion that feels so perfect...**

**I also mention the 12 things...this was something that featured a couple of times in my previous story "Some Memories Don't Dim"(chapter 12 in particular) but is well worth a look if you aren't familiar with it. The article is called "12 things nobody told me about sex after rape" by CJ Hale, it is a masterpiece...but the title and Rafael's words are enough to clue you in for the purposes of this story**


End file.
